Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
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Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now