@KalvinMacleod

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

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@AndrewChamings

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

@C00LpenNAME

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

@Tommytoughstuff

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

@Brampersandon_

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

@dimplesticks

Me: My sister is pregnant

Him: Does she know the sex?

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant

@Julescoop

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

@stevevsninjas

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

@hardlyrelevant

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

@buttcrunchy

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

@sucittaM

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.