WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
You Might Also Like
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
the prophecies have been fulfilled
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off