@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

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@jlock17

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

@ThaJawn

To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…

@trevorthehuman

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

@Holy_Mowgli

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

@jackiembouvier

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

@PlainTravis

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

@sixfootcandy

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

@simoncholland

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

@catcohen

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175