WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
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I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Ugh but profoundly
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited