Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice