@Turbo_Jimmy

*Wife thumps door*

“I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN’T U?!”

NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*

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@CMGaldre

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

@steeve_again

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

@Mr_Bum_to_You

I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.

@mrjohndarby

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

@jonnysun

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

@Jonesy_donkey

I’m so fancy, I pronounce the “H” in “WHISKEY”

*every single one of you just said that word out loud when you read this

@Cpin42

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

@PaigeKellerman

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

@Wine_Honey1

If you ever come home and I’m in your house naked, I’m not stalking you. I just needed to borrow your wine opener, mine broke.

@Laser_Cat

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.