Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee
Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b
Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment
Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*
Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
*Wife thumps door*
“I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN’T U?!”
NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*
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Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I’m so fancy, I pronounce the “H” in “WHISKEY”
*every single one of you just said that word out loud when you read this
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
If you ever come home and I’m in your house naked, I’m not stalking you. I just needed to borrow your wine opener, mine broke.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.