WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
“I FIXED IT!”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.