wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
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Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”