wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
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Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out