@GrantTanaka

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

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@daemonic3

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

@mattgallo123

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

@NickSchug

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

@smhbrb

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

@WheelTod

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

@zombieparrot

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

@Pundamentalism

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

@Underchilde

Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?

Good times!