@GrantTanaka

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

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@katewhiteshark

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

@bornmiserable

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

@mossperricone

lol at people who think they’re a hypochondriac for using WebMD. Hit me up when you’re paying urgent care doctors hundreds of dollars a month to say stuff like “if your throat was closing up, your throat would be closing up”

@TheAndrewNadeau

You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful

@offbeatoliv

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

@parsfarce

me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now

@CrockettForReal

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

@Darlainky

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

@KevinFarzad

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball

@SamGrittner

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”