wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

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*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us


Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich


lol at people who think they’re a hypochondriac for using WebMD. Hit me up when you’re paying urgent care doctors hundreds of dollars a month to say stuff like “if your throat was closing up, your throat would be closing up”


You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful


I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.


me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now


[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]


Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?


I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball


*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”