Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

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No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….


over 7 billion people in this world and u think I’m gonna chase someone who doesn’t even want me? hahaha

that’s exactly what I’m gonna do


I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”


This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.


WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff


Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce


My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.


I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*


Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.


So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”