WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

You Might Also Like


OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.


I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.


Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?

Emergency training complete


singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!


you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays


son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son


Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.


Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant


my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd


Lets give each other cute nicknames like, ‘Plaintiff’ and ‘Defendant’