@ArfMeasures

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

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@POTerritory

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

@Social_Mime

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

@BunAndLeggings

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

@BlindChow

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

@fro_vo

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

@MarfSalvador

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

@Home_Halfway

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant

@DrakeGatsby

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

@Tonejonzz

Lets give each other cute nicknames like, ‘Plaintiff’ and ‘Defendant’