FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
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Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument
…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.
A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.