wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
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channeling her this year
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.