@TheHyyyype

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

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@truegritrumble

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

@RideSallyRide69

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

@UncleDuke1969

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

@VodkaThursday

I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.

@SamuraiCorndog

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

@realHamOnWry

The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.

@usermcuserface

A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..

@hopiecan

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

@AimeeHelene1

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.