@Reverend_Scott

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

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@Dana_Bruno

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

@JasonLastname

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

@Bagyants

“What if we make headphones that stay in people’s ears?”

“Good idea Bob!” [aside] “Kill him and his whole family.”

-Apple meeting

@minkpinkustink

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

@Try2StopME

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

@CroweJam

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

@Soberphobiccc

Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@MattShiney

“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers

@cwhudson

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

@aissalanis

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!