wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

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What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39


*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*


“What if we make headphones that stay in people’s ears?”

“Good idea Bob!” [aside] “Kill him and his whole family.”

-Apple meeting


my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn


Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.


I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.


Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers


SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on


Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*