wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
When you kidnap a writer.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”