@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

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@shkeeber

Me: *passes ransom note*

Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies?

Me: Or you’ll never see the cat alive!

Mom: He’s behind you.

Me: STUPID KITTY!

@noogscorner

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

@dangerouslyjoe9

I’m currently in a meeting of 40 people to tell us we can’t have a meeting of more than 20 people.

@mayamanion

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

@WittySassBasket

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

@alexivenegas_

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

@AngelaEhh

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

@thetigersez

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life