WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
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Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
*sewing*
A thread
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!