Me: *passes ransom note*
Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies?
Me: Or you’ll never see the cat alive!
Mom: He’s behind you.
Me: STUPID KITTY!
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
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Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I’m currently in a meeting of 40 people to tell us we can’t have a meeting of more than 20 people.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life