sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful