Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
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*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
If you walk into a room that’s empty except for a clown doll sitting in a chair at a tiny table, you’re probably about to be murdered.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.