[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

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Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”


Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.


Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?


I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.


The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.


My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.


[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?


“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying


I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”


Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.