[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
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Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Ron is short for Aaronald
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
they finally got him. they got macavity
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.