@ericsshadow

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

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@tiReynard

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

@bingowings14

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

@Sarcasticsapien

Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.

@notalogin

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

@mommajessiec

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

@KyleMcDowell86

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

@Jaysmemoir

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

@ThatEggChick

I fall more in love with you each day, well, except yesterday. Yesterday you were really freakin’ annoying.