@ericsshadow

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

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@notsoevilrick

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

@iamspacegirl

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

@Christi_Q

Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”

@SketchesbyBoze

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

@neiltyson

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

@Owl_Meat

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

@UncleDuke1969

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

@FunnyBison

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

@agathagotstoned

If you walk into a room that’s empty except for a clown doll sitting in a chair at a tiny table, you’re probably about to be murdered.

@TheTweetOfGod

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.