wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they鈥檙e FROM you and I LOVE them
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Job Counselor: now that you鈥檝e flunked dental school, what鈥檚 your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 馃槀
Not today, today.
Not today.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I鈥檇 like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one鈥擨 believe it鈥檚 called a B枚枚ke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Everyone鈥檚 a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water