Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES