*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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my name is luke but my friends dont call me
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.