*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.