Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
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If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.