Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

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Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.


*at a casino*

Me: How much are these chips worth?

Dealer: Sir those are Pringles


My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!


If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.


idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page


Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.


I am now running out of paper towels.


Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?


Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”


Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.


me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]