Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
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Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander