*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!