@QueefTornado

Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.

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@KayRants

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

@novicefather

[cuddling]
her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty

@ArfMeasures

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

@Not_Piecezilla

The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.

@BoogTweets

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

@solsayswhaaa

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

@Iwriteforcats

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

@Darlainky

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

@BossyBritches72

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

@Darlainky

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.