Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo
Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?
Me: I have kids?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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This anagram machine is out of order.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My kids and I have this fun game we play now where I tell them to go outside and they think I’m going to let them back in before dinner.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow