*texts you back 2 years later…
Lol not much how about you
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Eat shit dude! No seriously, it’s good for your eyes. You’ve never seen a dog with glasses have you?