Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.


You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter


wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.


(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home


Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?


What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.


*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*


Eat shit dude! No seriously, it’s good for your eyes. You’ve never seen a dog with glasses have you?