Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Danger is very dangerous
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me sliding into hell like
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.