@slimmy_shady

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

You Might Also Like

@YeahDrewisOn

Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?

@MomOnFire

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

@ClichedOut

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

@GoldenSpirals

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

@Divergentmama

My kids and I have this fun game we play now where I tell them to go outside and they think I’m going to let them back in before dinner.

@DirtMcTurd

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

@Spaziotwat

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

@Laser_Cat

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow