If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
If you guys don’t hear from your sexy lady friend TC today it’s because he’s spending Father’s Day with his family.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities.
“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.
If someone’s mean to you, just lean in and whisper “I’m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world” to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.