@AbrasiveGhost

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

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@ExecDad1

If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.

@MyMomologue

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

@Bob_Janke

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

If you guys don’t hear from your sexy lady friend TC today it’s because he’s spending Father’s Day with his family.

@Free_the_DJ

When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.

@jjax44

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

@ninjadinosaur1

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

@TweetingDadGuy

Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities.

@novicefather

“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.

@kumailn

If someone’s mean to you, just lean in and whisper “I’m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world” to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.