Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
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I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again