@LeBearGirdle

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

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@Jjkinky49Jeff

People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.

@fuzzlime

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about how close the rabbit probably came to being named the grasshopper

@mommajessiec

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

@BridgetPhetasy

In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.

@SergioValenCo

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

@GloriaFallon123

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

@molly7anne

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

@Chumpstring

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car