Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

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People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.


the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”


Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about how close the rabbit probably came to being named the grasshopper


I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.


In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.


Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.


My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.


dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician


[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car