I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children