wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

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I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.


the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.


There should be a branch of the government that just helps people who get stood up.


I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.


me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell



When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.


*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.


I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.