wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.


When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.


This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”

And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.


ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid


magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]


Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?


Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*



Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?


[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right


gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”