My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
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Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?” I always say yes……… Cause otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???