@ThugRaccoons

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

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@mommajessiec

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

@TheHatStore

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

@ForeverHairy

When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.

@LosLos__

I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.

@samalmightysam

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

@realHamOnWry

My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.

@AimeeHelene1

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?