@ThugRaccoons

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

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@fandomkynz

can we normalize asking people how they want to be cared for?

like, i’m a fixer. i know i’m a fixer. when people come to me upset i feel the need to solve the problem they’re having.

but not everyone needs a fixer, sometimes they need a listener or a hugger ya know?

@stuckinaportal

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

@MunkMania

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

@GriffonTaylonYo

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

@facciabella

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

@momTruthBomb

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

@AbbyHasIssues

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

@distracted_monk

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

@TinCanDan

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

@

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