Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

You Might Also Like


9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.


[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house


When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.


I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.


I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.


My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.


I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?