If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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*Puts on apron*
*Places Pop Tarts on plate*
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?