I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.