@alfageeek

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

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@VerbsRProudest

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

@Glittermepink5

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.

@catstronomical

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

@3sunzzz

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

@MartaEffing

Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make.

Unless you’re super hungry, in which case you’re allowed to mow people down.

@UncleDuke1969

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

@ndiquote

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

@panthersblondie

Me: Do you love me?

13: Silence

Husband: if you don’t tell your mother you love her we are going to make out at your next soccer game.