@alfageeek

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

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@FreudsTwin

I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.

@Home_Halfway

Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.

@amishschool

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

@sarcasm_inc

*waiter lays down my plate*
“Can I get u anything else?”
U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC-
*he rotates my plate*
oh ok

@joejwest

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

@thepunningman

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

@HomeProbably

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.