Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.


This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.


I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.


My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.


My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.


Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make.

Unless you’re super hungry, in which case you’re allowed to mow people down.


inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced


interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart



interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!


Me: Do you love me?

13: Silence

Husband: if you don’t tell your mother you love her we are going to make out at your next soccer game.