Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
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[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
ouch
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
no one ever comes back
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn