Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
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*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?