Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
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TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”