@HenpeckedHal

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

You Might Also Like

@Hormonella

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

@theshamingofjay

I change Siri to a man’s voice and now it doesn’t answer any more questions and turns off for hours

@reaghhan

doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him

Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich

@CopBroughtPizza

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.

@GrandadJFreeman

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

@juliussharpe

Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.