Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…


I change Siri to a man’s voice and now it doesn’t answer any more questions and turns off for hours


doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him

Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich


cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.


Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.


There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-


Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.