I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
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Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.