“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
You Might Also Like
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
uncle dave has been through hell
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Think I pulled my liver
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…