[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
You Might Also Like
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Just had my nails done!
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)