The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*