WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Me too
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??