@daemonic3

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

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@weinerdog4life

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

@HeidiGolightly

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

@junejuly12

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

@amishschool

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

@causticbob

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

@Norsebysw

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

@MarkusJ

finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet

@jngraphs

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

@trentistweeting

[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Cheese: yea
Yogurt: yea
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night

@cwhudson

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*