DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery
ME: Wtf why not?
DAD: Because *locking eyes* they’re still alive
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
in which a Twitter developer finally discovers Twitter
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.