WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
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When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.