wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
You Might Also Like
he’s doing your taxes
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
it is time once again
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I have obtained a hat
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.