WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
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I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.