Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
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Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
$3 #books
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.