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Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
No chill.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?