[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Parenting Tip: If your kid gets peanut butter in their hair, rub gum in it to get it out
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.
Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
doctor: u are overweight
me: hah yeah
doc: ok drop your pants
me: ur giving mixed messages doc!
me: so do u like the Indians