@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

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@deardilettante

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

@imskytrash

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

@Mr_Kapowski

Parenting Tip: If your kid gets peanut butter in their hair, rub gum in it to get it out

@ShittyComedian

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

@Brianhopecomedy

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

@hoops_Daddy

Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.

Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.

@Maxine12339

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

@Shame_Is

doctor: u are overweight
me: hah yeah
doc: ok drop your pants
me: ur giving mixed messages doc!
doc:
me:
doc:
me: so do u like the Indians