Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
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Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.