@ArfMeasures

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

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@okimstillhungry

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

@joeljeffrey

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

@UncleDuke1969

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

@peeznuts

*standing behind home plate*
-Beware of my dog-like reflexes.

-Shouldn’t it be cat-like reflexes?
*catches baseball with my face*

@Playing_Dad

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

@delusions_of

This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.

@peterjames48

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk