Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
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I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
*standing behind home plate*
-Beware of my dog-like reflexes.
-Shouldn’t it be cat-like reflexes?
*catches baseball with my face*
Whatever Mom, IF THAT’S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk