Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
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Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man