wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time


hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

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My husband has started pronouncing s’mores like schmores so I guess were at the growing old together stage.


BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.


[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know


Hair Stylist: What are we doing today?

Me: Let’s do something that will look great here but I’ll have no chance of replicating at home


My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”


I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.


I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.


If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.


Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀