@TheHyyyype

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

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@Divergentmama

My husband has started pronouncing s’mores like schmores so I guess were at the growing old together stage.

@Jeff_Ross_MD

BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.

@junejuly12

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

@Mr_Kapowski

Hair Stylist: What are we doing today?

Me: Let’s do something that will look great here but I’ll have no chance of replicating at home

@MikeDrucker

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

@jackiembouvier

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

@jlock17

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

@ItsMeAshleyWee

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

@thequeensheart

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀