To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
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*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?