For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*